what my reflection shows

i don't know where to shout out, who to shout to, what to shout about.. can't do it to my friends because i don't want to burden them with my own shit... so i guess i can only do it here where no one is watching/ reading it(i suppose, sorry blogspot)

here goes, over the past months, a lot a lot of shit happened. prolly the worst i ever felt.. but also prolly the most i ever reflected about my life, my actions, my attitude, my temper and the list goes on and on..

i identified and reflected upon 3 major areas for the past 2 years (start of my first job)

1. occupation sickness As an IO, i was thrown into a weird world i never imagine, talking to ppl i would never come across. i was required to pick up alot of skills that are essential in getting my job done, namely listening and observation skills to detect discrepancies and questioning techniques to extract information. i hone my skills to a point where i was doing quite well despite receiving no formal training.

However, what i failed to do is to switch off after i report off work. the skills that enabled me to perform followed me home. when i talked to my family and gf, the skills were on all the way. as a result, well, the results weren't pretty. there were many quarrels, many shouting matches, many distrust, many crying and hurting. i actually thought about why things were screwing up left right and center. i decided enough is enough, time to turn the skills off when i report off. things got alil better. maybe i deserve a pat on the shoulder?

i really didn't want hurt the ones i loved. really...

2. first job, first boss = first priority?

i was devoted, obsessed, buried in work.. overly i am afraid. i think if i studied that hard, i could have been a president scholar. nothing wrong with that what, one might argue. certainly at the first glance, it seems apt that a young man fresh out of college is driven to succeed. the will and flame is strong and bright. however, being overly obsessed with work is well, being overly obsessed. it eats me up inside, it leaves nothing left when i went home to my gf. it leaves me empty when i meet my family. nothing at all. my energy and time were all devoted to want to impress my boss, to gain a footwork in the working world. sadly, like what denis enlightened, 'you finish work, go home still got a living person you need to deal with' at that point, it hit me like a sledgehammer. i was stunned... totally speechless. i realized how wrong how awful i must have been to my loved ones.. i was unfair to them. i worked and worked and claimed that by working so hard, i was also working for our future (me and my gf's future).

i failed terribly to realize that the future i was disillusioned about is based on how i build the present. truth be told, i was not building it the way i imagined it. i lost my bearing, i lost my focus, i lost alot of things, i lost their patience, i lost their trust, i lost their faith. i lost my love. i mis - prioritize my loved ones. the ones that would be here for me. i thought by merely showing up, i was already doing them a great deal..

oh boy, how wrong can i get. i was fucking arrogant thinking back. i would hit myself if i travel back in time. i went out to drink with my boss thinking about ass licking and do the PR thingy when my girl was beside me waiting for me to tug her to sleep. thinking back, wtf was i doing... i put her health at risk thinking the ops would fail wo me.. how silly i was.. i realized there's no one indispensable anywhere in this whole wide world. absolutely no one. i left her alone, cold, afraid, shaking to bits wondering what the doc would say. come to think about it, i would not have that courage to be at a&e by myself. i do not know of an english word to express how stupid i was.. sadly, i didnt deal with the living person. the few reasons that i was needed and i couldn't be there. i fucked up big time.

sigh. i really am fuck up person.

3. exhaustive fumes from my work

perhaps it was the nature of my work, or perhaps it was my nature. i could not tell anymore.. the heat and friction, the anger, the temper generated during my course of work kept building and building. in the end, the steam and toxic fumes needed to be vented out.. the results were hideous. i couldn't account for my emotions, i wasn't responsible with my words and temper. i spew poisonous words at her. taking it for granted that she will understand the stress i am going through. i broke the trust over and over again.. i didn't seek her out to communicate to her that i needed help with my emotions. i kept it in. hoping not to bother her with my shit. not only she didn't had the chance to help, she received my shit first hand. i was irresponsible. i knew clearly i needed to learn and deal with my negative emotions, but i chose not to seek help. i changed from a listening ear to a venomous being who desired attention on me, who demanded attention, who demanded understanding. something inside me changed. by the time i realized i wasn't the same man that listened intently, it was too late. i lost her. but there's something amazing i am experiencing, the actual realization that i needed to change, not those 'aiya, you dont like so i anyhow anyhow change, when you dont see it, i revert' those kind of change.

i am serious this time. i know i can still be the person that she love. the kind of person i still am (deep inside) i know she only needed me for a few things, when i managed to accomplish them, i wanted alil appreciation, i wanted to feel appreciated and perhaps a peck, if not a pat. i become a person that when i do things, i expect to be rewarded. come to think about it now. that was not the reason why i loved her. i was selfish. utterly selfish... i love her. i genuinely wanted her to be happy. i genuinely care, i genuinely hurt when she cried. i could still remember how she used to talk to me about her problems and i was there listening. but there were alot of times when the problems are about me, my defense mechanisms kicked in. for whatever the fuck reason. i thought about all these and wanted to tell her. i wanted to ask why me? why was i picked? what did she see in me exactly? i was inferior, i still am. i was not rich nor handsome, i was someone whom 'she can dont need to fen dou 20 years'. but still i was chosen. why she love me? there isn't a clear definitive answer till now. the last answer i heard was i am willing. it didn't help much, the question kept stirring in my head.. like a fog lifting, i think maybe i stumbled onto the answer: maybe the ability to truly reflect and change and adapt could explain why. the inner ability to be good. to be worthy. i lost that for a long time. i am slowly getting it back.

i can only hope there is still a glimpse of light as i prayed. when i said she supplement me in a lot ways, it wasnt to say i am selfish because you can help me that's why i want you. but perhaps, it is to say we complete each other; to praise her of her abilities which i adore and admire. maybe friends around can say aiya, they always quarrel, they are not compatible, they are this they are that. i agree we are as different as day and night; each not understanding each other. but when day meets night, there is when the most beautiful sunset and sunrise are created. fleeting as they may come, it is the same as our lives on earth. fleeting as they may come.